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do you have any jokes?
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| ronie | Date: Friday, 2009-03-13, 3:55 AM | Message # 1 |
 Lieutenant colonel
Group: Users
Messages: 128
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| give some jokes here[/color]  para enjoy Added (2009-03-13, 3:47 Am)
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TITLE: Kapampangan Joke
Minsang nagkasabay sa bus stop ang isang kapampangan at isang american lady sa Chicago (windy city). Habang nakatayo silang dalawa, biglang humangin ng napakalakas at tumaas ang palda ng 'kana' na wala palang panty. Dahil sa ayaw ng pinoy na mapahiya ang 'kana' sinabi na lang n'ya na, "it's hairy (airy pala ang ibig sabihin) isn't it?" Sagot ng napahiyang 'kana', "Bastard! What do you expect to see, feathers?" :lol: Added (2009-03-13, 3:52 Am)
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Famous Lines
"pinapaikot mo lang ako Nagsasawa na ako. Mabuti pang patayin mo nalang ako" -electric fan "hindi lahat ng walang salawal ay bastos" -winnie d' pooh "Alam mo ba wala akong ibang hinangad kundi ang mapalapit sa iyo. pero patuloy ang pag-iwas mo" -ipis "Hala! sige magpakasasa ka! Alam ko namang katawan ko lang ang habol mo." -hipon "Ayoko na! pag nagmamahal ako lagi na lang maraming tao ang nagagalit! wala ba akong karapatang magmahal?!?" -gasolina "Hindi lahat ng green ay masustansya." -plema "Hindi ko hinahangad na ipagmalaki mo na ako'y sau ayoko ko lang naman na sa harap ng maraming tao ganun mo na lang ako itanggi.." -utot "Sawang sawa na ako palagi nalang akong pinagpapasa-pasahan, pagod na pagod na ako." -Bola "you never know what you have till you lose it. and once you lose it, you can never get it back" -snatcher "Hindi lahat ng pink, KIKAY!" -majinboo "Ginawa ko naman lahat para sumaya ka mahirap ba talagang makontento sa isa? bakit palipat-lipat ka? -TV "hindi lahat ng maasim may vitamin c" -kili kili Sige, batihin mo ako.... Sigeee.....BATEEEEEE!!!!!!!! -omelette pilitin mo man na alisin ako sa buhay mo, babalik at babalik ako! -libag Anung kasalanan ko sayo, iniwan m nalang akong duguan... -Napkin "wag mo na akong bilugin.." -kulangot Hindi lahat ng hinog, matamis... -pigsa Paano tayo makakabuo kung hindi ako papatong sa iyo? -Lego Punyetang Buhay to! Itlog itlog! Araw2 na lang itlog! -Brief Wala naman akong ginawa sa kanya! Hindi na nga ako gumalaw dito. Ako n nga yun ntapakan, sya pa un galit.. bakit ganun? -Tae Cge kalimutan mo ako para malaman ng iba ang baho mo! -deodorant "hindi lahat ng dugo puedeng idonate" -regla Added (2009-03-13, 3:55 Am)
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Praying for 10 Pesos
Sa loob ng simbahan ng Quiapo, isang batang pulubi ang mataimtim na nanalangin sa Diyos. Pulubi: "Panginoon kung maaari po sana ay bigyan ninyo ako ng sampung piso dahil gutom na gutom na lang po ako." Narinig sya ng isang pulis na kasalukuyan ding nagsisimba at bumilib sya sa katatagan ng bata sa pananampalataya sa Diyos. Sa kanyang habag ay dumukot sya ng limang piso at iniabot sa bata na ang sabi: "Amang, narinig ng Diyos ang panalangin mo at heto tanggapin mo ang perang ito at ibili mo ng pagkain". Tumingala ang bata sa pulis, kinuha nya ang limang pisong iniabot at muling yumuko para manalangin: "Panginoon, salamat po sa pagdinig ninyo sa aking panalangin, pero sana naman po sa uli-uli wag na ninyong pararaanin pa sa pulis, kasi malaki na ang bawas". 
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| rpadao | Date: Friday, 2009-03-13, 4:20 AM | Message # 2 |
 Private
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| Pasahe
Sa Isang Jeep Pasahero: Mama, Magkano Po Yung Pasahe? Driver: 7.50 Yung Minimum Pasahero: (Dumukot Ito Sa Bulsa Para Kunin Yung Pera Niya, Ngunit sa Di Sinasadyang Dahilan Kulang Yung Pamasahe Niya.) Patay, Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Paano Kaya Ito? (Nag Isip Ito At Lumingon Sa Driver. Napansin Niya Na Duling Ito. Sabi Niya Sa Kanyang Sarili, Tama Duling Yung Driver Sigurado Pag Nagbigay Ako Ng 3.75 di Niya Mapapansin Na Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Kasi Doble Yung Paningin Nito. Inabot Niya Sa Driver Yung Pera. Ngunit Laking Gulat Niya Nung May Sinabi Yung Driver Sa Kanya. Driver: Kulang Ito! Pasahero: Anong Kulang? Di Ba Sabi Mo 7.50 Yung Minimum? Driver: Oo Nga 7.50 eh Dalawa Kaya Kayo. Patay! Akala Mo Lusot Kana ha?
[IMG]http://i425.photobucket.com/albums/pp336/rpadao09/lunapic-12351161459838.gif[/IMG]
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| ronie | Date: Friday, 2009-03-13, 4:41 AM | Message # 3 |
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Lieutenant colonel
Group: Users
Messages: 128
Status: Offline
| ano ang sasabihin mo?
ano ang sasabihin mo pag nakita mo ang kaklase mo na madilaw ang ngipin???? w0W! uso na pla ang colored teeth,, sa kapatid ko nga green,
sayo naman yellow
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| rpadao | Date: Friday, 2009-03-13, 4:55 AM | Message # 4 |
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Private
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| Mataas ang Timbang
Pedro: Pare, sobrang taba talaga ng Misis ko kaya't gusto niyang magbawas ng timbang! Pablo: Sabihin mo sa Misis na mag Horseback riding siya. Makaraan ang dalawang buwan. Pedro: Kumusta naman ang resulta ng Horseback Riding ! Pablo: Nabawasan ng 40 Kilos ang kabayo!!  Added (2009-03-13, 4:55 Am)
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matakot ka sa multo!
isang gabi ay may chanak na ihing ihi na chanak:kapre samahan ma ako iihi lang ako kapre:bakit kailangan mo pang magpasama chanak:natatakot kc aq baka may multo! 
[IMG]http://i425.photobucket.com/albums/pp336/rpadao09/lunapic-12351161459838.gif[/IMG]
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| ronie | Date: Friday, 2009-03-13, 5:02 AM | Message # 5 |
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Lieutenant colonel
Group: Users
Messages: 128
Status: Offline
| Say it in English
Stud: Ma'am pasensya na, nawala ako kahapon kasi nanganak ang nanay ko.
Titser: Speak in English!!
Stud: Ma'am, I was lost yesterday because my mother was born...
Titser: Very good, seeting down...
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| beat | Date: Friday, 2009-03-13, 7:02 AM | Message # 6 |
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| A 90 yrs old man starts making love to his 85yrs old wife. He started sucking her breast, after 10 seconds, he died... Autopsy report: Cause of death, EXPIRED MILK WITH MELAMINE SUBSTANCE... Added (2009-03-13, 7:02 Am)
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May alagang carabao ang tatay….intusan nya ang anak nya…
TATAY: “anak painumin mo yung carabao natin.”
ANAK: “opo ‘tay.”
Pagkalipas ang dalawang minuto…
ANAK: “tay ayaw naman uminom ng carabao natin… ”
TATAY: “bakit?! saan mo ba kasi pinainom yung carabao?? ”
ANAK: “sa baso.”
TATAY: “bugok ka pala eh…lagyan mo ng straw!”
____________________________________________________ Nagbalikbayan ang anak ni Karyo after 20 years sa Amerika. Isang umaga, nag-usap ang mag-ama:
KARYO: “John, marami akong ITINURO sa ating bagong maid. ”
BALIKBAYAN JOHN: “Dad, please speak in English!! ”
KARYO: “John, I fingered our new maid many times! ”
____________________________________________________ Bobo: “Pare hulaan mo pangalan ko, nagsisimula sa letter R ”
Pare: “Rene? ”
Bobo:”mali ”
Pare: “Reming ”
Bobo:”mali pa rin ”
Pare: “o sige sirit na”
Bobo: “Ar man angtanga moh pare!”
____________________________________________________ Kinuha ng isang Kanong Pari si Pacquiao as interpreter.. Pari: The Lord was crucified between 2 robbers. Pac: Si Hesus ay ipinako s gitna ng 2 goma.Pari: We need to sacrifice. Pac: Kailangan natin ng 2 sakong bigas. Pari: If we do not repent, Pac: Kapag hindi natin pininturahang muli, Pari: Thewrath of God will come upon you. Pac: Ang mga daga ng Diyos ay pupunta sayo.(nagtawanan) Pari: Well.. Well.. Pac: Balon.. Balon.. :lol:
______________________________________________________ COMMON FILIPINO MISTAKES: 1."ale, pbling colgate, ung closeup."
-adik k s 2tpaste? 2."srado m pinto! La2bas ang aircon."
-sosyal, may paa? 3."yaya,salubungn mo ung skulbus ni junior."- tama yan psagasa mo! 4."anak, 2mbi ka s ssakyan ha"
-patayn dn c junior? 5."tnuka ako ng ahas"- man0k b ito? May tuka? 6."my tonsil aq"
-kmi rn.c= 7."my candy aq, yw m?"
-ofer b yn? 8."2log kn?"
-mlman m p kya kng oo? 9."lowbat aq e"
-d bterya krn? 10. "pabili pampers ung hugies"
-ihugies kea kita? 11. "pabili maggie ung lucky me"
-noodle de lux 12. "pabilis ligo ung youngstown"
-:lol:
____________________________________________________ Usapan ng dalawang bata...
JUNJUN: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo'yang
Pacific Ocean , siya ang humukay nun!
PEDRO: Wala 'yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo yung Dead Sea ?
JUNJUN: Oo...
PEDRO: Siya ang pumatay nun!
_____________________________________________________ STEWARDEES: Do you want a drink, sir?
SIR: What are my choices?
STEWARDEES: Yes or No.
_____________________________________________________ TANONG: What is the difference between a girlfriend,a call girl and a wife?
SAGOT: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited.
_____________________________________________________ An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A. Visa. Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!! Consul: Man,...isn ' t it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style Consul: Oh...dear!
Arab : Ah Deer? Me no fuck, they run too fast!
____________________________________________________
.. i may look safe but as soon as i get u alone "I WILL EAT YOU" yuk yuk ..
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| ronie | Date: Friday, 2009-03-13, 8:35 AM | Message # 7 |
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Lieutenant colonel
Group: Users
Messages: 128
Status: Offline
| Thought For The Day
"THOUGHT FOR THE DAY" Di bale nang hindi natutulog....... Keysa.... Hindi Gumigising...... hehe Added (2009-03-13, 7:30 Am)
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anak tagO
takot c juan sa mga arabo dahil sa mga bigote nila.. juan: nanay!! my arabo natatakot ako..
nanay: takpan mu mukha mu!
juan e nay nakikita ko padin e..
nanay: oh! e2 baril..barilin mu para d kna matakot.. makalipas ang kalahating oras......nakakita nnmn c juan ng arabo.. juan:nay! may arabo nnmn...
nanay:barilin mu para d ka matakot..
juan: e nay, natatakot ako e...
nanay: ocge magtago ka sa plda ko para d mu mkita ung arabo... nagtago ng mabili9s c juan sa palda ng nanay nya..tapos.... juan:nay!! may arabo padin e...
nanay:barilin mu na kc... BANG!! BANG!!... biglang bumaksak c nanay ....
dumating ang mga puli at tinanong nila c juan... pulis: ano ba tlga nag nangyare..
juan: takot po kc ako sa arabo dahil sa malago nilang bigote...
pulis: oh tapos?
juan:tapos pinagtago ako ng nanay ko sa plda nya!!
pulis: bakit namatay nanay mu?
juan:kc poh pagtago ko my nakita kaong arabo sa gitna ng hita nya...nung cnbi ko ky nanay na my arabo sbi nya "barilin mo"...
kaya binaril koh!!....
pulis: ay katangang bata!!! Added (2009-03-13, 8:33 Am)
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pambansang hayop
teacher: pedro, ano ang ating pambansang
hayop? nagsisimula ito sa letter "K".
pedro: mam.. KUTO?
teacher: hindi! nagtatapos ito sa letter "W".
pedro: KUTOW?
teacher: hindi! may sungay ito?
pedro: DEMONYONG KUTO?
teacher: GO OUT!!!
Added (2009-03-13, 8:35 Am)
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pambansang hayop
teacher: pedro, ano ang ating pambansang
hayop? nagsisimula ito sa letter "K".
pedro: mam.. KUTO?
teacher: hindi! nagtatapos ito sa letter "W".
pedro: KUTOW?
teacher: hindi! may sungay ito?
pedro: DEMONYONG KUTO?
teacher: GO OUT!!!
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| ronNiEL | Date: Friday, 2009-03-13, 11:26 AM | Message # 8 |
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| Dalwang Bingi Nag- uusap Bingi 1: pare mamamalengke ka ba ngayon Bingi 2: pare hindi eh, mamamalengke kc ako ngayon Bingi 1: ahh ok akala ko kc mamamalengke ka Ayy bingi! waheheh
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| ronie | Date: Friday, 2009-03-13, 1:39 PM | Message # 9 |
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Lieutenant colonel
Group: Users
Messages: 128
Status: Offline
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dalaga na
anak: nay may regla na po ako dalaga na ko..
nay: peste ka! tumahimik ka nga jan RODRIGO! BAKA PIGAIN KO BAYAG MO JAN!! 
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| JettCW | Date: Friday, 2009-03-13, 5:30 PM | Message # 10 |
 WebMaster
Group: Administrators
Messages: 145
Status: Offline
| tsk tsk tsk... Ronie, Bat dalwa ginawa mong account?
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| ronie | Date: Friday, 2009-03-13, 5:36 PM | Message # 11 |
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Lieutenant colonel
Group: Users
Messages: 128
Status: Offline
| jett out of topic ka, pero sasagutin q n lang rin un, hindi q kc ma open ung isa kung account kc nag hang, kaya gumamit aq ng iba ONLY IN THE PHILIPPINES
Q: Pano mo malalaman na may "tangang" pumasok sa loob ng sabungan?
A: Ang dalang panabong ay "itik".
Q: Pano mo malalaman na may "inutil" sa loob ng sabungan?
A: Pag may pumusta sa itik!
Q: E pano mo malalaman na nasa loob ng sabungan si FG Mike Arroyo?
A: PAG NANALO YUNG ITIK !!
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| Pein | Date: Saturday, 2009-03-14, 4:05 PM | Message # 12 |
 Private
Group: Users
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| Joke#1 1 Binatilyo pumasok sa gay bar, nalaman ng nanay nya at nagalit : Nanay : Ano ang nakita mo dun na ndi mo dapat nakita?! Anak : Si tatay po! TUMITILI PA!!! XD lol.gif langya hahahaha Joke#2 Steward talking to a Filipino : S: Sir, are you done? F: No, I'm Juan S: Sir, what I mean is are you finished? F: No, I'm filipino S: SIR! I mean are you THROUGH?! F: DEMNNN! What do you think of me?! False?!?! Oh come on! he sucks english lol.gif lol hahahaha joke#3 hAri: Ano gusto mo parusa sa kasalanan mo? Ipakain sa leon o pasukan ng bubuyog fwet mo?
Roland: Bubuyog na lang po!
hAri: Kawal! Ilabas si Jollibee! sarcastic_hand.gif sarcastic_hand.gif joke#4 nsa bubong ang isang bata, namboboso sa kuya niya at sa gf nito. GF: Paano 'pag nabuntis ako?
Kuya: Bahala na ang nasa taas! Bata: Hala! Bakit ako? Nanunuod lang naman ako! winner hahahahaha Isang lalake nagdadasal sa imahe ni jesus na nakapako sa krus Lalake: Lord, sana naman sagutin na niya ako.
biglang sumagot ang imahe ni Jesus
Imahe: Nangliligaw ka ba sa kaniya?
Lalake: hindi nga po e, hiya ako.
Imahe: Kung hindi lang ako nakapako dito, sisipain kita diyan. Isang bata ang biglang sumalubong sa kaniyang mommy na kararating lang. Mommy: Anak, sa'n si daddy?
Anak: Nasa kwarto po, nakahiga umuungol pa nga e.
Mommy: Hala! Bakit hindi mo tinawag si yaya o hindi mo man lang ginising daddy mo?
Anak: Gising po 'yong si daddy sure ako.
Mommy: Bakit naman?
Anak: E ikaw ba naman ang pangibabawan ni yaya at talunan ng paulit-ulit 'pag hindi ka talaga nagising. Waiter: Sir, what will you have?
American: Swiss steak and French fries!
Waiter: What about you, sir?
Filipino: Ganon din, sweepstake, yong first prize! There was once a mirror that killed anyone who lied:
FVR: I think I don't smoke.(KILLED!)
Cory: I think I hate yellow.(KILLED!)
GMA: I think I'm tall.(KILLED!)
Erap: I think...(KILLED!!!) joke no. 1 probinsyano nagrent ng rum sa hotel.... probinsyano : alam kong probnsyano lang ako kaya wag mo ako lokohin!! bkt gn2 lng rum ko? maliit! walang kama at bintana!! mahal mahal ng binayad ko tapos ganito lang??? roomboy : sir nasa elevator pa lang tayo... wag ka excited! joke no. 2 konsehal : paki acknowledge si mayor... late dumating... hayun kararaan lang! pedro (emcee) : i wud lyk 2 acknowledge the late mayor who just passed away.... :)) Erap acted as a museum guide. Bata: Sir, kanino po yang malaking bungo?
Erap: Yan? Si Magellan yan!
Bata: Eh aun pong maliit?
Erap: Si Magellan din yan noong bata pa siya! ano daw?... nonex: Anu yang nasa papel na yan?
papa shrank: Listahan ng mga takot sa akin.
nonex: Tingin nga! Bakit andito ako?!
papa shrank: Bakit?! Laban ka?!
nonex: Oo!!
papa shrank: Edi burahin! Problem ba yun? a father holding 2 toys... letting his son choose... dad : anak c barbie or superman? son : superman dad.. dad : good! ( den he left) son : GWAPO MO SUPERMAN NAKAUMBOK PA!! shocks... Juan & Teacher Teacher : Juan! kanino nagpaalam si Jose Rizal bago siya namatay?
Juan : Mam! Kay Huling Po!
Teacher : Ha? Sino huling?
Juan : Diba nga po, sinulat niya bago siya namatay "Huling Paalam" While watching girlie shows...
ATENEO: I like that girl!
DLSU: SEXY!!!
UP: Galing Sumayaw.
UST: Makalaglag brief.
AMA1: Uy si classmate!
AMA2: Uwi na tayo, yung mama san, nanay ko!
AMA3: Mamaya na, malapit na show ng ate ko. hahahaha AMAnaman tinitira.... Nanay: Ang lakas mong lumamon pero di ka naman mautusan. Kapal mo naman! Anak: Kapag ang baboy natin malakas kumain natutuwa ka. Sino ba talaga ang anak mo, ako o yung baboy?! Amo tinanong ang katulong: Amo: Inday ilang liters meron sa isang litro ng COKE?
Inday: 4 liters ma'am.
Amo: Sure ka?
Inday: Yes ma'am. Liter C
Liter O
Liter K
Liter E 4 Liters. (on the phone)
Sir: Hello..Inday nasaan ang maam mo?
Inday: Ay Sir nasa kwarto po may kasamang lalaki..
Sir: Haaaa!!!
Sir: Kuha ka ng kutsilyo...patayin mo sila!!
Inday: Ok Sir Tawag nalang po kayo after 5 minutes.. After 5 mins.. Sir: Patay naba sila??
Inday: Yes Sir..
Sir: O sige tapon mo na sila sa swimming pool..
Inday: Ay sir ala po tayong swimming pool
Sir: Ay! Sorry Wrong Number.. LALAKE : yan, tapos na! bakit d ka pa nagpapalit ng anyo?? LOLA : ilang taon ka n iho? LALAKE : 24 po... LOLA : yan tanda mong yan... naniniwala ka pa sa fairytales???! MARAMI PA SA SUSUNOD!
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| ronie | Date: Saturday, 2009-03-14, 4:10 PM | Message # 13 |
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Lieutenant colonel
Group: Users
Messages: 128
Status: Offline
| Joke # 1: Sa panliligaw ni Erap, mahili g siyang sumulat ng coded love messages tulad ng: ITALY - I truly adore and love you SASAYA - Stay as Sweet as you are Para lalong bumilib and kanyang nililigawan, sinikap niyang gumawa ng ‘love letter’ na gamit ang alphabet: ABC - Always be careful DEF - Don’t Ever forget GHI - Go Home Immediately JKLM - Just Keep Loving Me NOPQRSTUVW - No One Perfectly Quite Romantic Should Treat U Very=2 0Well Napa-whew at pinagpawisan si Erap. Tatlong titik na lang and natitira…XYZ. Pinag-isipan ito nang husto ni Erap. Makalipas ang oras, napangiti siya at pinalakpakan ang kanyang sarili bago sinulat ang: XYZ - Xee You Zoon!! Joke #2: FRIES Kumain sa isang sosyal na restaurant sina Erap at FVR. ‘Give me Swiss Steak and French Fries’ order ni FVR sa ingles. ‘And you Sir? tanong ng waiter. ‘The same, Give me sweepstake and first prize, too’ sagot ni Erap. Joke #3: GROUP Erap was asked if a group of birds is called a flock of bird, and a group of fish is called a school of fish, and a group of wolves is called a pack of wolves, then what do you call a group of dogs? Erap: Madali lang yan, anong akala ninyo sa akin tanga! Di anser is ‘asociation’ . Joke #4: BRIDGE Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister. Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister. ‘Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines ?’ ‘Yes,’ mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong din, ‘Ah… Is London Bridge falling down?’ Joke #5: ANONG GATAS? ‘Ang gatas ko noong baby ako, Lactum,’ kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang presidente. ‘Ah ako, Enfalac, ‘yun ang mahal, eh,’ sagot ni Cory. ‘Ako, Lactogen, kaya ganito ako katalino,’ sabi ni Ramos. ‘Ikaw, Erap, ano ang iniinom mo noon?’ tanong ng tatlo. ‘Ano yata Lactacyd.’ Joke #6: ALLEGATIONS In a cabinet meeting ERAP (galit na galit) : THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF ALLEGATIONS THESE DAYS AND I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO THE ‘ALLIGATORS’ ARE. Joke #7: The most intell igent ‘presidentiable’ Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to a televised debate. To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos. Miriam asks the first question: ‘What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?’ Erap doesn’t say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam. Now, it’s his turn. He asks Miriam: ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’ Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look. She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills. Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the P5,000 and turns away to go home. Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, ‘Well, so what IS the answer!?’ Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos….
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| Pein | Date: Saturday, 2009-03-14, 4:11 PM | Message # 14 |
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Private
Group: Users
Messages: 11
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| Sasakyan
Sa harap ni San Pedro Unang lalaki: Ako po ay may tatlong kabit, maawa po kayo sa akin SP: Ok lang pero aakyat ka sakay ng motor Pangalawang lalaki: Ako po may isang kabit, sori po talaga SP: ok lang pero may ta-taxi ka pataas Huling Lalaki: Ako po ay walang pagod na nagtrabaho at wala po akong kabit SP: mabuti anak, luxury car ang sasakyan mo Pagdating sa taas, ang Huling Lalaki ay iyak nang iyak. Una at Pangalawa: Oh, bakit. Ang gara nga ng pag-akyat mo... Huli: Paano kasi pag-akyat ko nakita ko ang asawa ko... Naka skateboard... Pinakamakapangyarihan na Panginoon
May tatlong magkakaibigan.... Pedro(Muslim), Totoy(Buddhist) at Juan(Kristiyano), pumunta sila sa isang bangin na may 100 metros ang lalim... Juan: Mga tol, contest tayo kung sino ang pinakamakapangrihang Panginoon.... Totoy: Sige... Pedro: Sige... pero paano? Juan: Tatalon tayo sa bangin. Kung sino ang mabubuhay ang siyang pinakamakapangyarihan ang Panginoon. Totoy: Hala sige..... Pedro: Sige! Ako ang mauuna... Si Allah ang pinakamakapangyarihan... AT TUMALON si Pedro..... Pedro: Help me Allah, Allah! Allah! Allah! Allah! Allah! PATAY si PEDRO... Hindi cya iniligtas ni Allah... Totoy: Hahaha Patay si Pedro... Ako ang susunod... Si Buddha ang pinakamakapangyarihan... TUMALON si Totoy..... Totoy: Help me Buddha, Buddha! Buddha! Buddha! Buddha! LUMIPAD si TOTOY! At lumipad pabalik sa itaas. Nagulat si JUAN. Totoy: Si Buddha ang pinakamakapangyarihan kasi niligtas nya ako... Juan: WALA YAN!!! mas pinakamakapangyarihan ang DYOS..... Juan: Tingnan mo ako... TUMALON si JUAN.... Juan: Help me LORD, LORD! LORD! LORD! LORD! LORD! LORD! Nang malapit ng bumagsak si Juan sa LUPA...... Juan: AMP!!!!! Help me Buddha Buddha! Buddha! Buddha! Buddha! Anonghugisngtitiko ? Marunong ka ba magbasa ? Ang basa nyan ay: Anong hugis ng titik "O" ? Syempre bilog ang hugis ng titik "O". Ikaw ha, bka anung esep-esep mo dyan... boy : susungkitin ko ang mga bituin at ibbgay ko sau..
girl : anu? d m nga masungkit yang kulang0t m e!
boy: ay sori.. d ko kc alm n gs2 m dn to Mister1: Pare! Di ka na raw under ni misis! Nilalabanan mo na raw sya!!! Mister2: ABA! SHEMPRE! AKO PA?! BWAHAHAHA! Mister1: Totoo nga ba yan? Mister2: Aba... syempre! Pagsinisigawan nya ako na "magsaing ka na!!" sinisigawan ko rin sya, "sandali lang!!!" ola : palimos po.... girl : ayan lola... 5 pesos... inuhulog sa lata... pagkalipas ng ilang linggo... lola : palimos po ine... girl : lola.. bakit 2 na ang lata nyo? lola : aba iha... sa awa ng Diyos... nkapagbukas ako ng ibang branch... 2 lasing naglalakad sa riles ng tren... lasing 1 : pare, ang hirap n2ng hagdan, daming steps! lasing 2 : di lang yun pare, ambaba pa ng hawakan badtrip... Girl : tay! tay, nagbold po ako sa magazine.. nasa page 10 pics koh ^^ Itay : kinakahiya kita!... sa palagay mo ba may mas nakakahiya pa sa ginawa mo?! Girl : Meron po tay..... ....si Inay nasa page 16 ^,..,^ At a haunted historic place... Babae : Baka may mumu d2?!
Guide : Sa tagal ko nang nagtatrabaho d2 wala akong nakikitang mumu.
Babae : Phew~! E gaano ka na ba katagal nagtatrabaho d2? Guide : 285 yirs na po. ^,..,^ A prince was cursed by a witch so that he could speak only 1 word per year.
But if he doesn't, he could save the words for the next year.
One day, he saw a pretty princess & fell in love with her.
He waited for 10 years to say "darling I love oyu, I would like to marry you",
& guess what d princess replied... "pardon?" hehe, o grabe
(teka lng, ala ba cla papel? TEACHER: class..
mgpapaclass picture tau..
pra paglaki nio..msasabi nio..
"oh si juan pilot na!! si pedro
doctor na!! si maria nurse na!! PEDRO: "at si mam patay na!!!"
OYE.. one more... gus2 mu bang wlang pasok!?!
just type..
OFFICE<spac>OFF
at i-text s boss mu.. my chance k nang mgka-memo..
at ma-meet ang buong HRD staff.. Lasing 1 : Pare, GF ko noon nanay mo... Lasing 2 : ..... Lasing 1 : Hoy, Nakikinig ka ba? sabi ko GF ko noon nanay mo... ..... Lasing 2 : Tama na tay, lasing na kayo eh... ^^, A boy pulled down his pants
in front of a girl and sed:
"Do U have dis?"
D girl lifted up her skirt
and sed:
"My mom sed, with dis I can
have as many of dat as I want" Nanay : Nak, lutuin mo na itong gulay. Anak : Mamaya na nay, Ginagawa ko pa itong saranggola.. Nanay : Punyeta, Bakit makakain mo ba yan saranggola? Anak : Hinde! Bakit mapapalipad mo ba yan gulay? Syet! ^^, Kumatok ang isang ahente sa bahay. Pagbukas ni misis ng pinto, agad pumasok ang ahente at ikinalat sa sahig ang ebak ng kabayo. Ahente: Maam, pag hindi nalinis ng vacuum cleaner ko ang kalat, kakainin ko ang mga yan! Misis: Ay punyet@ ka! Umpisahan mo na ang pagkain nyan at brownout kami ngayon! Teacher: okay class, our lesson for today is science. What is science?
Pedro: ako mam! ako mam! tawagin mo ko!
Teacher: okay pedro, what is science?
Pedro: science is our lesson for today. A dying girl asked her man "Can you tell me where Heaven is?" -The guy replied at her- -And answered with teary eyes- "Sshh.. Ano ka ba? mamamatay ka na, malibog ka pa...
Pahinga ka na" ^^,V
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| ronie | Date: Saturday, 2009-03-14, 4:13 PM | Message # 15 |
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Lieutenant colonel
Group: Users
Messages: 128
Status: Offline
| ERAP JOKES Joke # 1: Sa panliligaw ni Erap, mahili g siyang sumulat ng coded love messages tulad ng: ITALY - I truly adore and love you SASAYA - Stay as Sweet as you are Para lalong bumilib and kanyang nililigawan, sinikap niyang gumawa ng ‘love letter’ na gamit ang alphabet: ABC - Always be careful DEF - Don’t Ever forget GHI - Go Home Immediately JKLM - Just Keep Loving Me NOPQRSTUVW - No One Perfectly Quite Romantic Should Treat U Very Well Napa-whew at pinagpawisan si Erap. Tatlong titik na lang and natitira…XYZ. Pinag-isipan ito nang husto ni Erap. Makalipas ang oras, napangiti siya at pinalakpakan ang kanyang sarili bago sinulat ang: XYZ - Xee You Zoon!! Joke #2: FRIES Kumain sa isang sosyal na restaurant sina Erap at FVR. ‘Give me Swiss Steak and French Fries’ order ni FVR sa ingles. ‘And you Sir? tanong ng waiter. ‘The same, Give me sweepstake and first prize, too’ sagot ni Erap. Joke #3: GROUP Erap was asked if a group of birds is called a flock of bird, and a group of fish is called a school of fish, and a group of wolves is called a pack of wolves, then what do you call a group of dogs? Erap: Madali lang yan, anong akala ninyo sa akin tanga! Di anser is ‘asociation’ . Joke #4: BRIDGE Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister. Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister. ‘Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines ?’ ‘Yes,’ mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong din, ‘Ah… Is London Bridge falling down?’ Joke #5: ANONG GATAS? ‘Ang gatas ko noong baby ako, Lactum,’ kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang presidente. ‘Ah ako, Enfalac, ‘yun ang mahal, eh,’ sagot ni Cory. ‘Ako, Lactogen, kaya ganito ako katalino,’ sabi ni Ramos. ‘Ikaw, Erap, ano ang iniinom mo noon?’ tanong ng tatlo. ‘Ano yata Lactacyd.’ Joke #6: ALLEGATIONS In a cabinet meeting ERAP (galit na galit) : THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF ALLEGATIONS THESE DAYS AND I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO THE ‘ALLIGATORS’ ARE. Joke #7: The most intell igent ‘presidentiable’ Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to a televised debate. To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos. Miriam asks the first question: ‘What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?’ Erap doesn’t say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam. Now, it’s his turn. He asks Miriam: ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’ Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look. She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills. Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the P5,000 and turns away to go home. Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, ‘Well, so what IS the answer!?’ Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos….
Joke #8: SAVE FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. Each of them is blindfolded and given the chance to call upon the forces of nature to save them. The executioner starts the countdown: ‘10, 9, 8,….’. FVR shouts, ‘Flood!’. In a sudden, a big wave came. FVR was able to escape because of the commotion. It’s Cory’s turn. She shouts: ‘Earthquake! ‘. The people watching the execution panicked. She was able to escape. Erap was wondering what calamity to call. The executioner started counting again: ‘10, 9, 8, 7….’. Erap had a mental block. ‘5, 4, 3, 2, 1…’ Erap shouted: ‘Fire!’. Joke #9: ERAP IN LIBRARY Erap in Library ‘What time does the library open?’ Erap on the phone asked. ‘Nine A.M. ‘ came the reply. ‘And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?’ ‘Not until nine A.M.?’ Erap asked in a disappointed voice. ‘No, not till nine A.M.!’ the librarian said. ‘Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?’ ‘ha, who said I wanted to get in?’ Erap sighed sadly. ‘I want to get out!’ Joke #10: IN LABOR One particular day many years ago, Erap’s wife was having labor pains. Erap panicked so he called their doctor. Erap: Hello, doc. My wife is in labor! Doc: Is she in a lot of pain? Erap: Yes, doc! Doc: Is this the first baby? Erap: No, doc. This is Erap! Joke #11: ANOTHER EXAMPLE Teacher: (talking to ERAP) Can you give me an example of a beast of burden? ERAP: Carabao, ma’am! Teacher: Very good, ERAP. Can you give another example? ERAP: How about another Carabao? Joke #12: TESTING As Erap’s Driver test drive it. Driver to Erap: Sir, pweding pakitingin kung umiilaw yung parking light as driver switches on the parking light) Erap: OK, its ON! Gumagana. Driver: Sir, yung headlights, umiilaw ba? (as driver switches on the headlights) Erap: OK rin, its ON! Gumagana. Driver: Sir yung signal light pakitingin? (as driver switches on the signal light) Erap: Gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw……. Joke #13: WA CLASS Reporter to Erap alighting from a PAL flight: ‘Mr. President, what can you say about the economy?’ Erap: ‘I don’t know, kasi nasa first class ako.’ Joke #14: KAMUKHA DAW Jingoy: Dad, sabi nila pagnakaharap ako kamukha ko si Jose Rizal, pag-nakaside view kamukha ko naman si Manuel Roxas. Anong ibig sabihin yon? Erap: Mukha kang pera.
Joke # 15: THE WIFE Sa isang party. Sabi ng isang Ambassador to Erap, ‘I haven’t met your wife. Where is she?’ Napadaan si First Lady Loi. Sabi ni Erap, ‘Oh, my wife just passed away.’ Joke #16: CEASEFIRE ERAP to MILF : Sumuko na kayo! MILF: Di kami susuko pag di mo maispel ang CEASEFIRE. ERAP : Tama na! Tuloy ang giyera. Joke #16: AIR PRESSURE Pa-landing na ang presidential plane. Napansin ng stewardess na parang sumasakit ang tenga ni President Erap dahil sa air pressure kaya lumapit ito. ‘Sir, chewing gum para hindi sumakit ang tenga ninyo sa flight,’ sabi ng stewardess. Tinanggap ni Erap ang chewing gum. Ilang sandali pa, lumapag na ang eroplano. Kinausap ni Erap ang stewardess. ‘Miss, paano ko tatanggalin ang chewing gum sa tenga ko?’ tanong nito. Joke #17: PASALOAD ERAP: Loi, pasahan mo nga ako ng 2 my importante lang akong itetext. ~ LOI: (P2 send) ERAP: (message received) OK!! got it thanks! ~ LOI: Tanga! wag ka ng magreply, Sayang!! ~ ERAP: ok! Joke #18: INFORMATION Erap: Hello, I will like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco ? Operator: Just a minute sir… Erap: Thank you! (klik).
Message edited by ronie - Saturday, 2009-03-14, 4:17 PM |
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| Pein | Date: Saturday, 2009-03-14, 4:14 PM | Message # 16 |
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Private
Group: Users
Messages: 11
Status: Offline
| Attorney: Inday, pwede mo bang idescribe dito sa korte ang taong nang-rape sayo?
Inday: maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pandak, bungal.... Suspect: sige, mang-asar ka pa!! Man went to confession, M : Father during the war, a beautiful young lady asked me to
hide her from the enemy, si I hid her in the attic. F : That's a very good gesture, You need not confess. M : But as the days went, she repaid me with DAILY SEXUAL FAVORS. F : That's still forgiven my son. M : Thank you fater. But I have another question. F : What is it my son? M : Shall I tell her the WAR IS OVER? ^^, V^^, boy: miss..maghihikaw ka ba kung wala kang tenga? girl: hindi syempre..bakit? boy: ehhh..mag susuot ka ba na sing sing kung wala kang daliri? girl: paano yon?hindi din syempre... BOY: EH BAKIT NAGSUSUOT KA NG BRA? nanay : anak, bumili k nga ng asin..
anak : auko po madilim n, takot aq
nanay: wag k magalala, kasama mo angel mo
anak : e d xa n lng utusan nyo. dalawa pa kami para asin lng.. Story no. 2 Amo : inday, nasan ung sabon namin s banyo? ginamit mo noh?
Inday : with due respect, i will never allow my skin to touched by that highly commercialized so called "anti-bacterial soaP" ...only BELO touches my skin.. who touchers urs? Safeguard?? eEeeeww...
Amo : Leche! Lumayas k nga! Story no. 3 Mommy : Bagsak k na naman! Bat d mo gayahin bestfren moh? palaging Honor!
Anak : Unfair nmn kung ikumpara nyo ko dun!
Mommy : BAkit? nmn?
Anak : Matalino kaya Nanay nun! Tanong: Bakit PAPA ang tawag ng girls sa boyfriend nila? Sagot: Kasi papa-tungan ka, tapos papa-sukan, papa-hiyawin at papa-sarapin tapos papa-asahin at 'di naman papa-kasalan. mga boys bad..... An old man was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
the teenager had spiked hair with colors green, red, orange and blue.
The old man kept staring at him, that irritated the boy.
Teenager: Never done anything wild in your life?
Old man: got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. Im wondering if you're my son. Story no. 4 Lumubog ang barko patay lahat ang pasahero... Exept s isang ITA ITA : crying_anim02.gif "Kainin mo ko pating.."
PATING : "wag mo ko linlangin pusit ka!" Story No. 5 Ms Gay Intro.... gutom ako, gutom kau, qutom taung lahat! HUNGARY! OLA VIOLA... KASEROLA TINOLA SARANGOLA ARINOLA NI LOLA!.. VENEZUELA! malay mo, malay ko, malay nya, malay nating lahat! MALAYSIA! baha dun, baha d2, baha s buong mundo! BAHAMAS! Hindi s akin, hindi sau, kanino sya? KENYA! 1way, 2way, there's no oder way! NORWAY! Sing k na, sing ka pa, ilabas ang magic sing! SINGAPORE! Mula s lupaing kulang s bigas, sang damkmak n mandurugas! PILIPINAS! Story no. 6 When i was a kid, my teacher asked wat i wanted 2 be wen i grow up... i told her " I WAnt 2 be HApi" She scolded me and told me dat i did not understand the question.. i told her.. "Being hapi is beyond every noble profession dat d world ever has" Nosebleed xa!! Kinder palang.. a plane is about to crash only four parachutes left ... una efren bata reyes - madami pa akong ipapanalong laban para sa pilipinas.. kinuha ang isang parachute at tumalon ang pangalawa ay si angel locsin - madami pa akong gagawing telefantasya para sa mga pilipino kinuha ang isang parachute at tumalon.. ang pangatlo ay si erap..... hahabol pa ako ng pagkapresidente sa susunod na eleksyon!!! kailangan aq ng taong bayan!!! kinuha ang isang parachute at tumalon.. natira ang isang bata at matandang pari... iho, ikaw na ang kumuha ng huli matanda na ako at sa tingin ko ay nagawa ko na ang mga tungkulin ko sa mundong ito... FATHER relax ka lang... may parachute pa para sa ating dalawa... kinuha nung hahabol na presidente yung schoolbag ko erap FTW! ROFL joke # 1 isang lalake umiihi ang nilapitan ng bading at pinanuod sya.... lalaki : umalis ka nga dyn! kng hndi ihahampas ko to sa pagmumukha mo!! bading : promise ha!! joke # 2 teacher : bakit ka nalate?? student : nawalan ho kasi ng 500 pesos yng lalake... teacher : tinulungan mo syang maghanap?? student : hnd po... tinakpan ko lng hanggang umalis sya... joke # 3 mare 1 : mare.. ang galing mo nmn.. napapauwi mo c mister ng maaga... mare 2 : oo nmn noh... ako pa! mare 1 : ano b kcng gngwa mo.. ng masubukan ko nga s asawa ko... mare 2 : wala nmn... nilagyan ko kse ng karatula ang pinto nmn... mare 1 : o ano mern sa karatulang yun?? mare 2 : sex will start at 8pm.. with or without you...
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| ronie | Date: Saturday, 2009-03-14, 4:24 PM | Message # 17 |
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Lieutenant colonel
Group: Users
Messages: 128
Status: Offline
| Use SCHOOLING in a sentence. *Ring, ring*…..Hello? Who SCHOOLING? Use UNO, DOSE, TRES in a sentence. UNO! DOSE TRES are on fire!!! Use CHICKEN NUT BREAD in a sentence. Aye Jun-Jun, Stop choking your sister! CHICKEN NUT BREAD! What are the three prides of the Phillipines? Pride fish, pride chicken, and pride rice.  Use TENACIOUS in a sentence. I went to The Athlete’s Foot yesterday to buy a pair of TENACIOUS. Use CONTEMPLATE in a sentence. I went to a party last night. There was so much food pero co-CONTEMPLATE. Use CURTAIN and KITCHEN in one sentence. Aray! Huwag mo akong CURTAIN. Masa-KITCHEN. Use PUNCTUATION in a sentence. Daddy, pasukan na next week. Kailangan ko ng PUNCTUATION. Use GUAVA in a sentence. I just had a haircut. Masa-GUAVA? Use DEDUCT,DEFENSE, DEFEAT, and DETAIL in a sentence. DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE but DETAIL landed before DEFEAT.
Use DEPOSIT in a sentence. Paki-check nga ang banyo. I think DEPOSIT is leaking. Use PERSUADING in a sentence. Kiko and Kikay got married on June 1, 1992 so on June 1, 1993, they are going to celebrate their PERSUADING anniversary. Use DEVASTATION in a sentence. I wait for the bus at DEVASTATION every morning. Use CONCLUSION and OPINION in one sentence. (Pointing to a door): CONCLUSION, hindi OPINION. Use PAMPERS and PAPERS in one sentence. At the gasoline station, I asked the attendant, “Do I PAMPERS or do I PAPERS?” Use DIFFERENCE and DIFFERENCES in one sentence. If the royal family has a baby boy, he is called DIFFERENCE; if they have a baby girl, she is called DIFFERENCES. Use PROTESTANT in a sentence. Apples, oranges, and other fruits can be bought at the PROTESTANT.
Use ANALYZE and ANATOMY in one sentence. My ANALYZE over the ocean so bring back my ANATOMY. Use IRAQ, IRAN and EGYPT in one sentence. IRAQ is bigger than a stone; IRAN is faster than a walk; and EGYPT is smaller than a truck. Use INDAY in a sentence. (In your best Whitney Houston voice): INDAAAAAAAAAAY will always love you…ooooooo. Use ASSOCIATE in a sentence. My dog smelled awful kasi naman pala next to him, ASSOCIATE. Use DINUGUAN in a sentence. I tried turning on the TV but no matter how many times I tried DINUGUAN. Use PAUL five times in a sentence. PAUL, be carePAUL; you might PAUL in the swimming PAUL and make a PAUL of yourself. Use HOSTESS in a sentence. To answer a ringing telephone, you say, “HOSTESS?” Use CASHEW and SKATE in a sentence. I want to have a tattoo sana CASHEW mukhang ma-SKATE e. Use CUISINE in a sentence. I hope you studied last night because your teacher might give a surprise CUISINE Math.
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| beat | Date: Monday, 2009-03-16, 1:42 AM | Message # 18 |
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Private
Group: Users
Messages: 14
Status: Offline
| Anak: "daddy!! daddy!! nagtumbling po ako sa iskol knina ang galing ko!" Daddy: "anu ba anak db sabi ko sau wag ka tutumbling sa iskol kc makikita panty mo??" Anak: "dont wori daddy d po nila nakita panty ko promise po!" Daddy: "good anak!" Anak: "yes nmn daddy d nila nakita panty ko kc nilagay ko sa bag ko! " Added (2009-03-16, 1:42 Am)
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"bulag , duling , bingi nanood ng cine" Duling: " bat ganun pre dalawa Screen? gan2 ba uso ngaun? Bingi: " wag ka nga maingay d ko marinig e " Bulag: " tanga pla kau ee d pa nga nag ccmula oh blank screen pa!"
.. i may look safe but as soon as i get u alone "I WILL EAT YOU" yuk yuk ..
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